He Is With Me

The Lord is so good to encourage us when we need it.

My schedule is full and my flesh is struggling to keep up. I’ve had to fight to keep my eyes on my Savior, my hope in the Lord, and my energies focused on the work that He prepared for me. In the midst of the battle, I received the following email.

“I have finished your Uprooting Anger study and I would like to order 3 extra ones to give away to some loved ones… . I have grown so much spiritually from this study. My teenage son is a little over half-way done and I have seen so much growth in him. Thank you for listening to the Lord and writing this study.” –K.O.

I met this person a year ago and remember her mentioning that she wanted something for her son to work on. She lives nearby. We met at a parking lot. She got out of her car, gave me a warm hug, and said, “Thank you for writing this book.” She then asked me to sign her copy. Her book had tabs attached so she could quickly find the pages she wanted to refer back to. She bought 4 books.

We parted, but her hug and words have stayed with me. I am grateful for a God that reaches me through His children to give me encouragement when I need it—as well as direction, and confirmation of the work that He prepared for me to walk in.

It doesn’t matter what our struggle is—whether health, anger, finances, relationships, jobs, or whatever—we are never alone. He is with us. And His strength and courage will be known in our weakness, if we will receive it.

Listening well is as powerful

Listening well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.

How to Communicate Caring and Love

It’s said that the strength of a relationship is determined by the quality of the communication in that association. People go on to explain that it’s important for both—or all—of the people in the relationship to be willing to share their opinions or feelings, and important that each be given the opportunity to share.

However, there is a second aspect of communication that is often overlooked. In order to have a strong relationship, to heal damaged ones, or to prevent conflict, this aspect is even more important than everybody voicing their opinions or feelings.

The forgotten component of communication is listening. God tells us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (Jas. 1:19). We emphasize having a willingness to speak, but God puts the emphasis on hearing. Indeed, the Word links being quick to speak with anger.

He tells us to be quick to hear. While it may be important for everyone to be willing to speak, I wonder if we need to reconsider our emphasis on the importance of talking, and learn instead to listen.

When in conversation—particularly in times of tension—we tend to shut out what the other person is saying because we’re busy building our own defense or looking for an opportunity to tell our tale. In other words, we focus on ourselves and what we need and want in the interchange. Consequently, as we hear the other person’s words, we are formulating our reply.

Listening is more than giving the other person time to finish their paragraph. It is also different than being able to repeat the words the other people say.

When you truly listen, you hear deeper than the spoken words. You give full attention to the other person. Note, I said to the person—not just his words. Not just the facts. As you listen, give attention to his mannerisms, and what is behind them. Listen for the emotions behind the words and for what the heart is saying.

If the emotions you observe shock you in their intensity, listen harder to try to hear what stirred up such intensity. When you truly listen to the other person, you try to get in his or her shoes and see from his or her perspective.

There is not full communication when one person won’t talk. However, when nobody listens, there is no real communication at all.

We know too well what it feels like when nobody listens to us—but do we know how to be a listener that truly hears the person? When I know I’m heard, I no longer need to push my point or defend myself. In fact, if I know I’m heard, I feel cared for and loved.

I want to be someone that helps others feel the same. Rather than thinking of the right words to say, the best way to communicate “I care” may be to listen.

A Lesson from Mom: 4 Keys for Building Friendship

I was blessed with parents who loved me enough to discipline me when I needed it, and who were good role models for how to live and relate to others. They were loved, appreciated, and honored by the world because they were a blessing to others that knew them.

My 98-year-old Mother died this week, and I’ve realized how truly blessed I was to grow up with her as my mother. Many people long for friends and don’t know how to make connections. I was privileged to watch the magic in action through her.

I learned some practical things from Mother about making friends. I hope some day to model them as well and as authentically as she did. In the meantime, I thought I’d pass a few pointers along. If you’re looking for friends, these steps may be helpful.

1. Care

Mother enjoyed meeting new people, and she cared about everybody she met. All new acquaintances seemed to offer an adventure in discovery as she drew strangers out to get to know them. Instead of talking about herself, she sought to learn about the other person. She cared.

If she saw a friend, she asked about them and how their family was doing. She remembered their concerns. When we are concerned about ourselves and what others think about us, it hinders our ability to connect with them.

2. Listen

Everybody has a story. Mother genuinely wanted to know the other person’s story. She wasn’t quick to tell her tale or give answers. Instead, she asked questions to learn more. It seemed she inevitably discovered that she and her new acquaintance knew somebody in common or were from the same town that a co-worker or cousin was from. She remembered those connections and valued the relationship more because of them.

3. Reach out

Mother was especially loved because she reached out to others. When we would visit in earlier years, she’d often say, “I haven’t heard from ______ in several days. I wonder how they are doing.” She’d then make time to call and check on them. She’d talk just long enough to check up on her friend—and for that other person to know that someone cared about him or her.

In later years, when Mother and Daddy moved to a retirement center, she kept active by walking all over the complex to check on people and see how they were doing. Occasionally she’d take a small gift, but most of the time, she only shared a few minutes, a smile, and an encouraging word. But that was all that was needed to win the hearts of the caregivers as well as the one being visited.

4. Serve

Mother was also quick to help others. Serving her family was just the beginning. She helped in church and in her neighborhood. One year she and Daddy received the Volunteer of the Year award from Hospice. However, where her service stood out to me was when I saw her in action at the retirement center.

Mother was attentive to the needs of others. She helped by putting walkers out of the way or helping move a wheelchair into position. She also went early to Sunday School to arrange chairs, set out hymn books, and help gather people from down the hall in their wheel chairs. She served cheerfully, whatever the need. I coined the nickname “Miss Sunshine” after seeing her in action and observing the responses.

Because she expressed love and caring, Mother was loved by everybody that knew her. However, she didn’t do these things to be loved or to gain friends. There were no hidden expectations or strings attached. She did them because she loved others.

There is a saying going around on social media, “If you want to be loved, love and be loving.” That’s true, but it probably won’t work if you have a hidden agenda of trying to get people to love you.

On the other hand, if you genuinely love those around you and you show them love through caring, listening, reaching out, and serving, you can bet you’ll have friends that truly care for you. And they’ll miss you when you’re gone.

Like I’ll miss my mother. Thank you, Mother, for your life-laid-down, for your love, and for your example.

Love your enemies.

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Hanging On

I’ve had a challenging week of pain and debilitating fatigue, but I managed to get a blog started to post today. They’re worthy thoughts for building relationships, but it’s not where I am right now. As pain kept me from going back to sleep this morning, I realized what I’ve written isn’t right.

I’m more in the survival mode, not the building mode. Yes, I still want to help people build strong, healthy relationships. I’m still burdened by anger that’s tearing up families, churches, and communities. I’m not ready to lay down what God’s called me to. But what I’ve begun is not the word for today. I’m hanging on, taking one day at a time. Relationships aren’t my concern.

But they are. In the midst of my fatigue and pain, my biggest struggle has been my relationship with God. It’s been very difficult not to focus on my physical discomforts and to view life through them.

Jesus is the great Physician. My hope is in Him. God has a plan for me that He’s prepared beforehand. I can trust Him for today—and tomorrow. I know all those things, and want to see the world through that truth, but pain and overwhelming fatigue have claimed my attention and clouded my view.

As I lay in bed this morning trying to ignore pain and go back to sleep, it hit me—that’s exactly how it is with relational pain. It clouds our view. It makes it more difficult to remember the truth, more difficult to remember that God is with us. He’s the great healer, and our hope is in Him.

Instead of my well-thought-out musings, I’d like to share the simple, but powerful words the Lord gave me this week. These verses are basic, because they deal with the foundational relationship of life. If we can hold this truth central in our hearts and minds, and build our lives around it, we’ll be equipped and strengthened for pain—physical or relational—when it comes

“You are my servant. I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Is. 41:9b–10).

Surely.

It’s God’s word, and I’m clinging to it.

Thank you, Lord.

Not the fastest horse

Not the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger.

I Need a Savior

I need a savior as much as the day I was saved from my sins. A savior from my tongue. A savior from my thoughts. A savior from my emotions… .

I would add: A savior from my anger, my bitterness, and self-centeredness. I need a savior.

I Like Being Angry!

Once a Christian leader told me he liked being angry. When I questioned if he really meant it, he repeated, “Yes, I like being angry.” He then added, “It makes things happen.”

Like anger? Because it makes things happen? Oh, it makes things happen all right, but none of it is good. The results of anger are bad. It brings hurt and destruction. I’ve seen a wife curl up in a fetal position when her husband started ranting and raving. I’ve known rebellious teens turn away from God because of their parents’ anger. The news is full of cruelty and murder that comes from it. How could anyone like anger?

Like being angry? I was horrified at the thought. He spoke those words on the spur of the moment. I’m not sure he would stand by the comment, but I kept thinking about it nonetheless.

In Colossians 3:8, God tells us, “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.” With God’s Word so clear, how can a Christian like anger?

The Lord’s intent is confirmed in Ephesians 4:31, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” The Word of God couldn’t say it more clearly. The Lord wants us to get rid of our anger.

However, as I contemplated the concept of liking to be angry, I realized that maybe it is not uncommon to like anger. It’s just not normal to admit it. In fact, I became aware that there have been times when I liked being angry.

Why? Because I felt like it would make things happen.

The times I remember were times when I was hurt by somebody close to me—somebody I expected to care for and protect me, not to harm me. When the injury was unexpected and deep, I wanted the offender to hurt too. I didn’t want to forgive until he/she apologized—or until he/she suffered too.

I always worked through it. I always came to a place of forgiving. However, there were times, especially with my husband—the one closest to me—that I hurt back before I forgave. Later, I always regretted the harm I caused. However, I confess that didn’t necessarily prevent it from happening again at a later date.

Why? Because in the moment I liked being angry! I thought it could make things happen, that I could get my way, or that it would even the score.

Recently I ran across an explanation of why we like anger: “Anger is the weak person’s imitation of strength.” I like anger when I feel wounded and weak. I like it because it makes me feel strong.

However, that strength is imitation. It’s fake, a counterfeit. It doesn’t deliver what I really want, and I always regret what happens through that artificial strength.

When we are wronged and feel weak, we don’t have to make things happen. Paul said, “Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:10).

It is only as we are weak, and thus trust in God, that He shows Himself strong through us. He rarely intervenes when we try to defend ourselves instead of trusting Him. On the other hand, He will fight for us if we stay weak and yield to Him. We won’t need imitation strength if we learn to appreciate our weakness.

I’m guilty. There have been times that I’ve liked being angry. However, every time I’ve drawn on counterfeit strength, it has led to regrets.

I want to be genuine and to experience God’s righteousness in relationships. I don’t want imitation. Teach me, Lord, to be glad in my weakness, and to seek Your strength when I’m wronged.

(I’ve been sick this past week and am still not feeling well, so am posting a devotion I wrote for CBN.com in the past. I hope it blesses.)