New Year’s Resolution?

As the calendar turns to a New Year, it’s a natural time to resolve to start over, to make changes that need to be made, hence, the ritual of New Year’s resolutions. Commitments to improve health by exercise or weight loss are probably the most popular resolutions, but if you have come to this site, you’ve probably considered making a commitment to control your anger better.

But then again, it may seem frightening to commit to such, because past efforts at anger management have always failed. If that describes you—or if you’ve never tried to overcome anger before—I have a couple of words of advice.

Quit trying to not be angry. That’s negative thinking and it doesn’t work anyway. This isn’t permission to let it all out. You still need to hold in angry words and actions. However, instead of focusing on not being angry, commit yourself to love those around you. Learn to love.

Love is:

• Patient
• Kind
• Not Jealous
• Does Not Brag
• Not Jealous
• Doesn’t seek its own way or advantage
• Not provoked
• Doesn’t keep track of wrongs suffered
• Doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth
• Bears all things
• Believes all things
• Hopes all things
• Endures all things
• Love Never fails (From 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

If you can learn to relate to others with these character qualities, you won’t have a problem with anger.

Second, realize that this type of love is too hard for you—and ask God to love through you. As long as you try hard to walk in love, you’ll keep having to try hard to make it happen. However, if you cry out to God to love through you and to fill your heart with love, He will transform your heart. It’ll probably be a slow process, so pray the prayer every morning and throughout the day. God is love. If He lives in your heart, His love resides in your heart too. As you surrender to Him, His love will grow. As love increases, anger will decrease.

For lack of wood a fire goes out

For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets it down.

Merry Christmas!

Have a very Merry Christmas, filled with love, laughter, and sharing meaningful fellowship with those you love. Most of all, have an Emmanuel Christmas—one blessed with an awareness of Christ’s presence with you.

Indeed, He promised that He will never leave or forsake those who love Him and are called by His name. May He open your eyes and heart to experience His nearness.

Never write a letter

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man

When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, the foolish man either rages or laughs and there is no rest.

How to Fight Christmas Stress

Christmas is celebrated as the season of happiness and joy. However, for many, it’s also the most stressful time of the year. When stress builds, you’re one step away from lashing out at innocent people around you. But Christmas joy doesn’t have to be ruined with tension-induced anger. There are some simple steps that can help us dial down and find grace for each day.

When stress builds:

• Ask God for help. When stressed, we sometimes forget to cry out to God. His strength is made known in our weakness. He can calm our hearts and help us cope.

• Be grateful. What has God done for you? Be specific. As you count your blessings your focus moves from the negative—how bad things are, or how much you have to do—to the positive things in your life. Remembering what God has done builds faith for what He can do in the present situation.

• Identify stress issues. What is causing the stress? One thing, or too many things to do? Are the things on your list all necessary? Many Christmas activities come from trying to keep up with our peers or serve tradition. Some could be eliminated without harm. Do away with what you can. Cry out to the Lord for help with the rest.

• Spend within your means. If financially stressed, don’t go in debt for gifts—that adds more stress which will stay with you. Instead, seek God for creative ways to give of yourself. Make it a Christmas of building relationships with those you love.

Books and magazines offer more practical suggestions, but many times, our real need is to refocus and line our priorities up with what God is asking of us rather than what cultural or personal expectations demand. Just knowing we are pleasing the Lord brings satisfaction and renewed energy, and having His strength and grace for the task can carry us through the most stressful days.

There is nothing more galling

There is nothing more galling to angry people than the coolness of those on whom they wish to vent their spleen.

A Good Start

Recently, my life has revolved around my husband Robert and his health issues. September 29, he had a sudden heart attack with hospitalization and numerous doctor visits, followed by further hospitalization and quadruple by-pass surgery, plus recovery. I don’t want to repeat those weeks, but it’s been good. The Lord has been merciful and gracious to us and has given me a new appreciation for my man.

We’ve also had steady company as family came to join us at critical times during Robert’s treatment, to celebrate my father-in-law’s 90th birthday, and for a family reunion at Thanksgiving. It’s been a very busy season.

Consequently, my blog has not been top priority. Other than filling a regular stream of book orders, I didn’t focus on Uprooting Anger and the issue of anger at all. I’m sorry I was gone so long. I hope to be more faithful with my posts in the future.

However, the third day after surgery, while at the hospital, I got a call that renewed my commitment to promote freedom from anger.

A man, whom I’ll call Cy, wanted a copy of Uprooting Anger. His counselor had recommended it, and he wanted it quickly because his anger is destroying his marriage. He lived nearby and wondered if he could come by the hospital to pick it up. I had a book in the trunk of the car and met him in front of the hospital.

As we talked, several things struck me that make me feel like he’ll find freedom from anger. Cy’s made a good start. We can all learn from him.

1. Cy admits he has a problem. He isn’t rationalizing or blaming others for his anger.
2. It grieves him that he is destroying his wife and their marriage through anger. Without grief over our sin, do we truly repent? Without repentance, will we change?
3. He knows that he can’t control his anger; he needs help. He’s depending on God for inner change and victory.
4. He’s willing to humble himself and get counsel from others to find the answers he needs.
5. He’s willing to sacrifice in order to get help. Cy was out of work for a year and took a pay cut in his present job. In spite of great financial pressure, he chose to buy Uprooting Anger to find God’s answers.

The first step in overcoming anger is admitting there’s a problem, but that’s just the first step. If we don’t take action to correct it—like Cy is doing—the problem will remain. Likewise, though we need to accept responsibility, we’re totally dependent on the Lord. If He doesn’t change our hearts, we won’t become new and won’t experience victory.

Cy’s off to a good start. It’s encouraging to see someone take responsibility and move toward freedom. A good start will better ensure the perseverance needed to reach the finish line.

Love your enemies and pray

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Forgiveness does not change the past

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

Cease from anger

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: Do not fret, it leads only to evildoing.
But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.

A man's discretion makes him slow to anger

A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

you cannot make others as you wish

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.

Does Being a Christian Make Me Different?

Does Being a Christian Make Me Different?

Elisabeth Elliot said, “The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian. But the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman.”

When I read that, I thought of anger. We need to ask ourselves, does the fact that I am a Christian make me a different kind of person? In other words, does the Lord rule in my heart enough that I don’t get angry like I once did?

Anger thrives in a heart that is self-centered and self-serving. God is love—i.e. other-centered and other-serving. When I have a problem with anger, it’s a sign that I am on the throne of my heart, not God—a signal that I need more of God. I need to let Him love through me.

I Corinthians 13 describes godly love. One way to gain victory over anger is to use that chapter as a standard and pray that God will transform your heart with His love, praying specifically for qualities that you lack which are listed in those verses.

As you pray that His love grow in you, you can be confident you are in agreement with the Lord. Our love is as filthy rags. s being a Christian making a difference? It takes time for the transformation to take place. Persevere. Ask and keep on asking, and you shall receive.

The wrath of a king

The wrath of a king is as messengers of death, but a wise man will appease it.

The Foundation of Anger

It seems the world is full of anger. Terrorists threaten to kill those who don’t hold similar beliefs. Innocent victims suffer terrible atrocities from the hands of fellow countrymen. Protests and marches are turning into riots against governments. Antagonism between political parties cripples our leaders’ ability to work together—and makes them unable to lead. Even closer to home, road rage is escalating, and news of robbery, abuse, and homicide fills the daily news.

Where does such anger come from? What is its foundation?

James asks that question in James 4:1-3. He says, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?” He answers with several points which build on one another.

1. “Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?
   1. You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. [or scream and riot]
   2. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel.
2. You do not have because you do not ask.
3. You ask and do not receive,
   1. Because you ask with wrong motives,
   2. So that you may spend it on your pleasures.”

(Outline format added for emphasis.)

God has not given us the insight, wisdom, or position to judge other people. I’m sure many have a legitimate reason to be angry. But listen to the angry voices around you. Many confirm the words of James. They demand more for their own pleasures—voices of envy, frustrated because they cannot obtain. They fight for what they want so they can spend it on themselves.

Recently, I met some elderly cousins that came to town to see where their ancestors were buried. A genealogist among them said that when the family moved from Switzerland in the 1800s, they had been sold farmland in Kentucky. They came to set up a dairy farm, but they found land filled with rocks, not the rich pastureland promised them.

They arrived too late in the year to build a house, so they lived through the winter in a tent. They survived on cheese they had brought from Switzerland. Without it, they would have starved. Records are lost. We don’t know the whole story, but they settled and farmed greener pastures in a nearby county. Through affliction and hard work, they built a successful future.

Many people today suffer because they’ve been wronged or are in need. In hard times, frustration grows and easily turns to anger. However, I can’t help but wonder if the loudest voices we hear are the voices of those who are looking to others to fill their pleasures. If they were willing to sacrifice and suffer to see their dreams come true, would they have as much energy to fight and quarrel?

Do we dare go a step further? What about me? When I fight and quarrel, am I trying to get others to fulfill my desires? Is it my pleasure that I’m really seeking?

Workplace violence

There are 1.5 million to 2 million non-fatal incidents of anger-related workplace violence each year.

Forgiveness is a funny thing

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

Takes a dog by the ear

Like one who takes a dog by the ears is he who passes by and meddles with strife not belonging to him.

Irritated by telemarketers?

If you’re constantly irritated by telemarketers interrupting your life, this devotional on cbn.com might give you a new perspective.

A man is about as big...

A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.

What do You Want in Life?

I recently heard of a former inmate—we’ll call him Jose—who was alone in a restaurant, cleaning up after the lunch crowd. Four local toughs came in and spread around the room, moving toward him. It was almost three hours before anybody would come for supper. Jose instinctively grasped the neck of a bottle on a nearby table. He figured he could take three of them out.

Jose was alert, ready—but a thought crossed his mind, “Do you want to be like you use to be?” He froze. He enjoyed the freedom he’d found in Christ. He didn’t want to go back to the old lifestyle.

He slowly put the bottle back on the table and took a deep breath, watching, waiting.

The door opened. A couple walked in and sat down at a table. It opened again and more people entered. Then more. Jose looked around in amazement as the four left the restaurant.

We all have a choice. Do we want to continue our old life? Or, like Jose, are we willing to put down our weapons and trust the living God to be our defense? Whether the threat is physical, or to our plans or reputation, our response reveals what we want in life.

“Do not say, ‘I will repay evil’; Wait for the Lord, and He will save you” (Prov. 20:11). “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble. And He knows those who take refuge in Him” (Nahum 1:7).

It is wise to focus your anger on...

It is wise to focus your anger on problems, not people; to focus your energy on answers—not excuses.

Hatred Stirs up Strife

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.

One Simple Solution - Part 2

After reading the post “One Simple Solution” somebody asked me if I keep the rock handy so I can throw it through my computer when I need to… . Hahaha! … As of now: The Gratefulness rock is still handy, and my computer is still intact!

One Simple Solution for Anger

Trying to manage anger doesn’t work. You can hold a lid on it for a while, but it keeps boiling within. Then, without warning, it boils over.

I recently had a constant frustration that wouldn’t go away. I found myself on edge and easily angered for days—actually, weeks. After trying unsuccessfully to control my rising emotions, I bumped into a solution that got rid of the anger and surprised me in its simplicity.

My problem started when I got a new computer. Since I intuitively make the wrong choice on computers, I had more than my share of frustrations as I tried to adjust to a new computer and an updated version of Word. Emotions were heightened by time pressure from trying to finish a book and standardize its layout.

Repeatedly I had several challenges a day. I often spent half of my day trying to solve computer problems. As days of aggravation turned to weeks, I became more and more frustrated (translation: angry). One day, when I was ready to throw the thing out the window, a quiet inner voice said, “You’re not very grateful for your computer, are you?”

Inwardly, I said, “Of course I’m grateful. I work on the computer all the time. I sure don’t want to go back to a typewriter! Besides, my old computer was dying. I’m grateful I could get a new one.”

“Grateful?” echoed the little voice.

“Well, I’m grateful when it doesn’t act up… . At least, there are times I’m grateful… ..”

I finally came to the place of agreement. I wasn’t very grateful for my computer.

It didn’t take much thought to realize what a blessing a computer is to facilitate communication. The more I thought about it, the more grateful I was. With a grateful heart, the inner turmoil was replaced with a sweet calm.

A few days later, I was shopping and spotted a little smooth rock with “Gratefulness” engraved on it. I bought it, went home, and placed it so when I look above my computer screen, it’s directly in front of me. I bought a reminder to help me not lose the peace I’d found.

It’s funny though, I haven’t needed the rock as much as I thought I would. My computer quit giving me so much trouble as soon as I got my heart straightened out. When I have a problem now, I’m more patient to work through it. And I find a solution more quickly because my brain isn’t short-circuited by anger.

Since my new insight, I firmly believe it’s hard (if not impossible) to be angry at something (or someone) while you’re grateful for it/them. Hmm, maybe that’s one reason God told us to give thanks for all things.

Being thankful is not the key every time. When I researched for Uprooting Anger, I discovered there are many other roots from which anger grows, but I sure am grateful to have discovered another one—ungratefulness.

Have you discovered any other simple solutions to conquer anger? I’d like to hear your story. (kay@camenisch.net)

Venting

Contrary to popular belief, venting anger through physical aggression-such as hitting a punching bag or a pillow-does not decrease one’s anger. In reality, such acting out only increases a person’s hostility.

Venting one’s anger does not decrease hostility; but rather increases it.

Unknown

The best answer to anger is silence

An Angry Man

“An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression” (Prov.29:22).

Anger, by its very nature, tends to point the finger at the other person, blaming them for the problem. Whether you’re hurt, offended, or afraid, if you become angry, you become irrational and blind to your own faults. All you see is what the other person did that set you off. It seems it’s all his or her fault.

However, this proverb tells us that an angry man stirs up the strife. Furthermore, a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression, or wrongdoing! Those fingers point the blame back home! If I’m angry, I stir up strife and abound in transgression… . And there doesn’t seem to be room to debate the issue.

When our anger is stirred, it is good to exercise self-control until we cool off enough to get a level head and take an objective look at our own actions. So many times, I’ve wished I had paused before speaking. My words and my tone of voice stirred up strife. I could have avoided transgression. I could have kept things from blowing up in my face.

“Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19).

The Consequences of Strife

The media has been riveted on our government leaders as they bicker over a solution to the debt crisis. Blame, back-biting and name-calling fill the news. The vitriol seems even worse after the debt-crisis settlement is signed. Americans—and probably the world—are tired of conflict. We’re ready for peace.

The economic climate today has led to pain and insecurity across the nation, but I believe even more harm is being caused by in-fighting. When leaders are unable to work together, it leads to anxiety, fear and insecurity in those whom they lead. That in turn leads to hesitancy to step up and take chances or make decisions. Insecurity and uncertainty paralyze. Consequently, problems are compounded.

Strife is destructive. The blame game and name-calling don’t build understanding or support for positions, platforms, or decisions. Tensions arise when opposite ideologies try to come together, but the country—its businesses and its citizens—need peace to prosper. It’s time to drop the vitriol. When tensions get high, the world does not need to witness the turmoil.

We long for peace as we experience strife’s destruction on the national level.

But the same dynamics dominate many families. Blame and back-biting parents lead to anxious, fearful, insecure children. Family leaders—parents—also need to work through differences in private. Children don’t need to hear blame, accusations, and backbiting—especially if their well-being depends on the outcome.

Anxiety, insecurity, and fear are destructive, especially during formative years.

He Who is Slow to Anger

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

Anger, if not restrained...

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.

Anger isn’t a problem?

Do you believe your anger isn’t a problem when you don’t hurt anybody?

If so, I have a question. If anger is not a problem, why did God tell us to put aside “all bitterness and wrath and anger” (Eph.4:31, emphasis added)?

Anger itself is not necessarily bad. Scripture tells of many times that God became angry.

So why did God tell us to put aside all anger?

Maybe it’s because our anger flows from a deceitful, self-centered heart. God’s anger is holy, because He is holy. Ours will always be contaminated because of sin. Anger affects everybody in the vicinity—even if they’re not the ones we’re mad at—just as vomiting into a fan defiles everybody in front of the fan.

Ask yourself: “What do I hope to gain by getting angry? What’s the purpose?”

Sometimes anger does get what we want. People often change their behavior to please us when we’re angry—but have you considered what it does to relationships? How is love affected? What about respect? (It may be easier to answer the questions by thinking of your response to someone else’s anger. Was your love and/or respect for that person affected?)

James tells us that “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (Jam 1:20). If James is right—and I believe He is—when you get angry, does it help accomplish your goal? As it accomplishes an immediate purpose, are you destroying an ultimate goal?

Instead of asking, “is my anger a problem?” maybe it would be better to ask, “Will I get better results with a different approach?” After all, anger does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Do you believe anger is not a problem?

For every minute you are angry...

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

A Radical Suggestion

Do you try to control your anger, only to have it erupt at other drivers—or against those you love the most?

Do efforts to control your tongue seem futile?

I have a radical suggestion. If you’re really trying hard to not be angry and it isn’t working, quit trying. Why? Most attempts to change don’t work because of dependence on personal strength and goodness—on personal righteousness. Man’s righteousness is not good enough or powerful enough to bring lasting change to ones heart.

Rather than focusing on not being angry, build your relationship with the Source of goodness and righteousness. Jesus is the source of transforming power. Next to His, your righteousness is as filthy rags. Surrender your problem and cry out to Him for help. Yield to Him for change.

As He increases in your life and His nature becomes more a part of you, your anger problems will fade. Love will replace anger, because God is love.

Notes: This does not offer permission to abandon self control. Self control is a gift of the Spirit. We all need to exercise self control, acting toward others as we want them to act toward us.

The book Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within reveals many issues in our hearts which block us from having a close relationship with the Lord and thus hinder our transformation.

...make the best speech...

Speak when you are angry— and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Great Anger Brings Penalty

A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.

I Don’t Want to Get Over It

A couple of days ago a young man—whom I would consider an outstanding Christian, by the way—shared about a book he was reading on prayer. He said it had made him more confident to pray about everyday things in his life. As an example, he told about driving home from work and thinking, “I ought to tell God about getting mad at (somebody). That would be good.”

Immediately the thought arose, “I don’t want to tell God about that. I want to stay mad at him. I don’t want to get over it.”

That may sound terrible on the surface, but it’s a wonderful revelation. If we don’t recognize our anger, we will never deal with it. If we aren’t aware of our unrighteous attitude toward it, we will certainly never gain victory over it. If we were honest with ourselves, we’d realize that we often don’t want to get over our anger.

Too often, it feels good to be angry. We feel like the other person deserves our anger, and by being mad we get back at them. However, instead of hurting them, we harm ourselves as anger turns to bitterness and our hearts turn hard and cold.

Only when we obey God’s command to put away anger, can we find freedom within. The first step is to be honest about our anger. The second is to be willing to turn it over to the Lord—even when we don’t want to.

...two things a person should never be angry at...

There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.

I Use to Have a Problem

I Use to Have Problem

“I use to have a problem with anger,” the man said. We meet a lot of people as we promote Uprooting Anger. A few of them actually admit they have a problem with anger. Fewer still declare that they have overcome their anger.

If someone tells me they USE to have a problem, I always ask, “What did you do to get free?”

The first person that told me he’d overcome anger was a former inmate. Frankly, I doubted that he was free from anger’s bondage. At first I thought that he was teasing, but his eyes looked told me otherwise. They looked serious. Then I wondered if he was being realistic in his self-assessment. I’ll never forget his response when I asked how he found freedom.

He said, “I started living with gentle people.” What? That’s too simple. I asked him to repeat it to be sure I understood. He said the same thing again.

I asked him to tell me the rest of the story, to explain how God used gentle people. He said, “When I started living with gentle people, I got over my anger.” End of story. Later, I saw him with his wife and she said the same thing—with no further explanation. He married into her gentle family. Just by living in their midst, he overcame his bondage to anger.

I was reminded of Proverbs 15:11, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I’m very familiar with that verse. I once cross-stitched it and put it on my refrigerator as a reminder. Through that verse I learned that when I responded with anger, the tensions escalated. However, if I countered with gentleness, anger was avoided. Nevertheless, it was a revolutionary thought that someone could overcome anger simply by living among gentle people.

The man didn’t even have an explanation of what he’d done to work on anger in his new environment. He simply knew that while living among gentle people, he was transformed by God.

Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that the Lord can use it as a tool to help those we love turn from anger. If we are gentle because the Spirit of God is active in our hearts, those around will influenced by His power.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but, a gentle lifestyle can be used to transform a life.

Striving for Honor

Much of our tension and strife is over little differences, not major life-changing matters. Even if it’s a little issue, if we feel pushed, we tend to push back. Then, once sides are taken, even friends become opponents—and it’s hard to back down and concede to an opponent. We feel compelled to uphold our position, as if our honor depended on it.

Indeed, in the minds of all who witness the interaction, our reputation is affected—but not for good. Outsiders can more easily see how petty a striving point is. They can see how foolish it was to let tensions build in the first place. Because of our instinctive nature to want to be right, it takes more courage to stop an argument than to finish it. Consequently, the one who ends strife peacefully is the one who gains honor and respect.

According to Proverbs 20:3, “It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel.”

How much more grievous...

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.

Holding On

Two birds battled in our driveway. The beak of one was clamped firmly on the leg of the other, and it wouldn’t let go. The captured bird wrestled frantically to break loose. They jerked, thrashed, and rolled as each fought to gain advantage. It looked like a fight to the death.

I spotted the birds as I was leaving home to run an errand. I watched for almost ten minutes, but I needed to go, and the birds blocked my path. I finally slowly rolled forward. When the front tire of my car was about a foot from them, the assailant finally released its grip, and the two flew away, free.

Personal Application!

The battle reminded me of a time my husband, Robert, and I struggled. We must have looked just like those fighting birds. Conflict threatened to destroy our marriage and we couldn’t seem to work through it. We kept thrashing and tumbling as we sought to gain advantage. At every turn, one—usually both—of us was hurt, and I thought the emotional bumps and bruises would never cease. Meanwhile, our relationship deteriorated.

Struggles in relationships are often lengthened because, like the birds, neither gives in. We hold on, refusing to let go. We don’t realize that as long as we maintain our grip, we are trapped too. We are jerked, tossed, and tumbled, being wounded along with the one we won’t release.

The Key to Peace is in My Hand!

Throughout my struggle with Robert, I never guessed that I held the key to stopping the conflict. Freedom came after I finally realized I was holding onto Robert’s leg through judgment. My judgment of him kept us locked in conflict, destroying the peace and joy we once knew.

Where the Conflict Began

I can see now that the conflict began when I didn’t approve of a decision Robert made and was afraid our family would suffer. My fear led me to be too forceful when we first talked about my concerns. Consequently, nothing changed. Later, even as I tried to be respectful and supportive, I was thinking, “you shouldn’t be doing that,” and “You ought to …” I held him by the leg with my shoulds and oughts and continued to judge his decisions.

However, I was not aware of my judgment. I was blinded by my fear of the consequences we might suffer from his choices.

Robert’s Side of the Story

Meanwhile, it felt to Robert like I didn’t respect him and he couldn’t do anything right. Even when I didn’t say anything, he sensed my underlying judgment. It was hard for him to hear God because he was overwhelmed by fear of my reactions.

A Vicious Circle

As the conflict continued, my greatest concern was Robert’s lack of seeking the Lord. How could we expect God’s blessing if we didn’t seek His direction? What I didn’t realize was that I was in the way. I was standing between my husband and God. He was so afraid of my reaction that he couldn’t find the Lord.

God’s Answer

Jesus’ words are so true, “Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you” (Mat 7:1-2 NASB). As long as I remained judgmental against my husband, I felt judged by him because he didn’t seem to listen to anything I said. The consequences of my judgment were worse than those from his decisions. For months, we scrambled like two birds in the driveway.

Freedom from Strife

I finally saw that I was not trusting God and that I was hindering Robert by my judgment. When I released him from my “shoulds” and “oughts” and trusted God to work out His purposes, Robert and I were both freed. He was free to hear God, and we both found peace with God and with each other. We were able to reestablish the fellowship we had once enjoyed.

The same principle holds true with other people in our lives. If we dwell on how they should and ought to be doing something, it leads to tension and conflict. If we trust God to work in their lives, we avoid struggles that bind us and lead to hurt. Instead of holding on, we need to release people and circumstances into God’s hands. After all, He is the judge. When we act as judge, we are acting as god.

“Therefore you are without excuse every man of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself, for you who judge practice the same things” (Rom. 2:1 NASB).

Quotes from James Dobson

Disciplinary action influences behavior; anger does not.

When it comes to boys and girls, in fact, I am convinced that adult anger incites a malignant kind of disrespect in their minds.

Anger often becomes a tool used for the purpose of influencing behavior. It is ineffective and can be damaging to the relationship between generations.

The Slow to Anger Pacify Contention

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention.

...grasping a hot coal...

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at somebody else; you are the one that gets burned.

Growth in wisdom...

Growth in wisdom may be exactly measured by a decrease in bitterness.

...study your own failings...

When you are offended at any man’s faults, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.

A gentle answer turns way strife

A gentle answer turns away strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention.

Anger repressed

Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words.

It is better to live in peace than...

It is better to live in peace than in bitterness and strife.

How to Give a Gentle Answer

God tells us so in Proverbs 15:1 that a gentle answer turns away wrath. But, it is difficult to apply that to life in the midst of tension. When someone acts angry toward me, soft and gentle seem to fade away. When I feel attacked I instinctively defend myself. If I’m not careful, before I think about it, I’ve said something that I later regret, or speak in a tone that is not helpful.

However, when we respond to anger with anger, the problem doesn’t lie in our mouths or the tone of our voice. The problem is in our hearts, for “the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart” (Matt. 12:34). If our hearts are not filled with God’s grace, we will automatically respond in anger. If we want to turn away wrath with a gentle answer, we need to keep our hearts focused on God, and not get tangled in the problem.

Last week, I learned how to quickly focus the heart back on God, our source for responding graciously.

Ashanti Williams—a former inmate at Angola Prison in Louisiana, and presently an assistant pastor—has a method that helps him maintain the presence of God in the midst of tension. He told of a time his wife, Susan, was a bit intense about something and wanted to talk. Ashanti responded by quietly singing, “Alleluia.” He didn’t say anything. He simply turned his heart toward God in song.

Susan said, “You’re not listening.”

“Yes, I am. Keep talking,” said Ashanti, and he continued singing, “Alleluia."

“But you’re not listening to me!”

Ashanti interrupted his song just long enough to say, “Baby, I’m listening, but we need the Spirit of God to be part of this conversation.” The song helped Ashanti stay focused on the Lord, giving him grace to remain calm and to give a gentle answer.

Meanwhile, Susan’s intensity decreased and she was soon silent. Ashanti’s gentle answer turned away wrath. With God a part of the conversation, they could discuss the issue at hand without the force and destructiveness of anger.

I haven’t had an opportunity to practice Ashanti’s trick of defusing anger, but it has to be better than escalating tensions and hurt feelings.

When anger rises....

When anger rises, think of the consequences.

The Slow to Anger has Understanding

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

If you are patient in one moment...

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one.

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one.

Do Not Sin

[Even if you are angered] do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Anyone who angers you conquers you.

Anyone who angers you conquers you.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

A quick-tempered man

A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.

Anger in America

• One in three high school students say they are afraid at school;
• Twenty-seven percent of middle schoolers and 31 percent of high schoolers say they think it’s OK to hit or threaten a person; 70 percent have hit someone at least once in the past year.

Quick to Hear

Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Anger dwells only...

Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.

...the instant that we begin to feel anger...

In a controversy, the instant that we begin to feel anger, we have already ceased striving for truth and have begun striving for ourselves.