Forgive all who have offended

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.

3 Myths about Anger

3 Myths about Anger that are Common among Christians

1. All anger is bad.

Most of us have been trained that anger is bad. However, all anger is not bad. In the Bible, roughly half the times anger is mentioned, it is in reference to God being angry. If we say that all anger is bad, we are saying that it is bad for God to get angry—or even that He sins by being angry.

That is clearly not the case. God is without sin. His anger is just and true and flows from a heart of love.

We are made in His image (Gen. 1:26), therefore we are made with emotions. One of those is anger. It is normal and natural for us to get angry.

2. Anger can be good if used properly.

If God’s anger is good, we are made in His image, and it is natural for us to experience anger, it follows that our anger can also be good.

However that leaves out an important fact. We have fallen since we were formed in His image. Our hearts are no longer pure. Because the issues of life, including our emotions, flow from the heart, our anger is not pure. It is polluted.

While anger is not bad, it’s contaminated in our hearts and it is harmful to us and to relationships with God and with others.

Consequently, God specifically tells us to put all anger aside, to get rid of it. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice (Eph. 4:31). “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth (Eph 4:31).

Because man is self-centered and sinful, “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (Jas. 1:20). Instead of expressing it and justifying ourselves, we need to put it aside. All of it.

When we are angered, we can sometimes use the burden and energy from anger to do good, but if we want righteous results, we first need to deal with the anger and get rid of it.

Christians have harmed the Gospel of Jesus Christ many times as they seek to do good from an angry heart. When that happens, what the unsaved experience is anger and judgment. It does not produce the fruit we hope for.

3. God told us to be angry.

In Ephesians 4:26-27, we are told “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” Many people use this as permission to be angry, especially if they feel justified in their cause. After all, the Bible tells us to be angry, right?

Let’s look a little closer. In Greek “be angry” is a passive verb. That means it is an action done to the subject, not one which the subject does. In other words, rather than “be angry,” or “when you are angry,” it could be properly translated, “When someone angers you” or “When you are angered” do not sin.

This verse recognizes that anger is a natural response for mankind. We will have things done to us that make us angry.

However, when that happens—when we are angered—we are to deal with it quickly, i.e. before the sun sets. Anger that hangs around is destructive. It gives the devil opportunity to further complicate things—by stirring up negative responses in our hearts and in relationships.

The Lord knows our makeup. He knows we will be angered. He also understands our tendency to nurse our offenses until they become major issues. He is also a relational God. He wants us to be at peace and in unity with those around us. Therefore in His love and wisdom, He gave us instructions to deal with anger quickly when we are angered.

Anger makes us miserable and damages our relationships with others and with God. However, we can avoid its destruction if we obey God and deal with it quickly. To learn to identify the roots of anger and get rid of it, check out Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within.

If you kick a stone

If you kick a stone in anger, you’ll hurt your own foot.

One Key to Anger Management

When tensions rise in a relationship, the tendency for most of us is to try to make the other side understand. We think if they know what we meant by what we said or why we did what we did, and they understand where we’re coming from, the tension will dissolve. Everything will then be fine and we can continue with life.

However, instead of fading away, tensions escalate, exploding in our faces. We respond in self defense, and find ourselves in a full blown war. What happened?

The answer is simple. In Proverbs, we learn that “he who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him” (18:13). It’s folly and shame because as he applies answers to heal the rift, what it actually does is pour fuel on the fire.

However, this verse holds an important principle for all relationships: don’t give an answer before you hear.

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning” (Prov. 1:5). If we listen to what the other party has to say and understand where he’s coming from, it shows value to the person as well increasing our knowledge of the situation.

If we cry out to the Lord, and listen to Him as we listen to the other person, we will gain true wisdom as to how to proceed. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10). As we seek Him, He will guide us. “From His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright” (Prov. 2:2-7). Knowledge from God lays a foundation. He then gives understanding to show us how to apply it, thus giving us wisdom for the moment.

Our knowledge rarely settles an issue. As Jim Hendrix said, “knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” It doesn’t matter how much we already know, if we want to diffuse anger before it escalates, we need to put on a listening ear, not tell the involved parties anything—not what you meant, not what they need to do differently.

The secret to settle conflict quickly is hearing—hearing God, and hearing the other person.

The practice of forgiveness

The practice of forgiveness is the most important contribution to the healing of the world.

Life is too short

Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long.

If you are presenting your offering

If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

A Key to Contentment When You Can’t Have Your Way

In 2001, we moved in with my in-laws for a short time. I was no longer mistress of the kitchen. Instead, I served another, trying to lighten her load as she prepared meals for me. It sounds like a dream vacation, but I found myself increasingly frustrated with the choices of foods and with how they were prepared. In order to honor another, I was forced to die to my desires.

But I had one problem. They didn’t die easily.

I kept telling myself “This is temporary, I’ll have my own kitchen soon,” but every time I sat down to a meal that was not of my choosing, the irritation reappeared. For awhile, it helped to remind myself that a meal is soon over, and what I eat today won’t matter tomorrow—much less next week. However, as dissatisfaction returned day after day, my reaction also increased.

While trying to act gracious, I became increasingly upset—even angry—over not having control over what we ate. I realized I didn’t have a right to always get my way, but that only served to highlight my self-centered nature and make me feel guilty.

What finally changed my outlook was the realization that my situation was a gift. It was an opportunity to choose eternal blessings over fleeting, temporal ones. A gift from God to form me into His image.

Truly, what you eat at a meal is fleeting. Many meals last only 20 or 30 minutes. In addition, if you have enough to eat, an hour later—unless you have an allergy or are sensitive to particular foods—it really doesn’t matter what you ate.

In contrast, learning to be content and to be grateful has eternal significance.

Embracing the Lord’s agenda to make me more godly helped me learn to be grateful for the food and for the one who planned and prepared it. Sometimes it took a daily decision to be thankful, but the act of making a choice turned my eyes and mind to the Lord.

I needed His help to die to self and self’s desires. In time, He took away my anger and made me content with what I had.

I have my own kitchen now, so what’s on my plate is no longer an issue. However, I’ve found that the lesson was generalized. I’m more content and grateful in other areas as well.

In James 1:2-4 we’re told to rejoice in various trials. I admit that not getting what I want to eat is very minor as trials go, but it was big enough that it was making me angry. It was a test of my faith and I failed as long as I looked at my plate instead of at my God.

However, when I chose to cooperate with the Lord and cried out to Him, He did something I wasn’t able to do. He transformed my heart.

Occasionally I’m still faced with situations where I’m tempted to be upset because I’m not getting my way. However, now my irritation is like a red flag to get my attention so I’ll stop and take note. Most of the time, the thing that irritates me is a temporal issue, one that won’t matter tomorrow, much less in eternity.

I’m grateful God does not give up, but continues to put problems in my path. Without those trials, how could my endurance increase until it has its perfect result? After all, some day I’d like to be “perfect, complete, and lacking in nothing” (Jas.1:2-4).

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:2-4 NAS).

Learn about more roots of anger and how to overcome them in Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within.

Apologizing

Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It means you value your relationships more than your ego.

4 Steps to Mend Broken Relationships--Part 2

4 Steps to Mend Broken Relationships

Life is brighter and more fun when harmony reigns in relationships. However, sometimes misunderstandings or disagreements escalate to conflict and discord. Before you know it, a close friendship can be shattered.

The Bible tells us to be peacemakers, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to restore peace. However, there are positive steps you can take to advance reconciliation.

If you didn’t lose your cool and do—or say—something that hurt the other person, the relationship can sometimes be restored if you go to him or her with a spirit of friendship or a token gift of reconciliation.

However, if there’s history of conflict or if the other person was offended in the interchange, you’ll need to go deeper than glossing over what happened. In order to mend the breach, first submit the relationship and the process of reconciliation to God. Then follow four steps to mend the damage and restore peace and goodwill.

1. Find inner peace.

Before jumping in to fix things, ask the Lord to search your heart and reveal any unrighteousness in you. Be transparent before God and honest with yourself.

What did you do that could be misunderstood or be hurtful in any way? What attitudes did you have that were self-serving rather than loving? In order to mend broken relationships you need to first find peace with yourself. In Part 1, you can learn 4 Steps to Inner Peace after an Angry Outburst.

2. Admit you were wrong and ask forgiveness.

Go to the offended person and admit where you were wrong. Don’t explain or defend yourself. If you justify your actions or blame the other person, it will raise questions as to whether or not you’re sincere. It will also produce hard feelings rather than bring healing.

Simply state what you did wrong and ask forgiveness—even if only 10% of the problem is yours.

Confessing your shortcoming is a sign that you value the other person and the relationship. Asking forgiveness gives them an opportunity to respond and clears the air.

For example, say, “I’m sorry I was insensitive,” or “I’m sorry I yelled. I don’t want to act like that toward you.” Then follow with, “Will your forgive me?”

If the other person won’t forgive you, it means they’re still hurting inside. If they refuse, ask if there was something else that offended them. Be prepared to hear what they say without defending yourself and getting angry all over again. This leads to the next point.

3. Listen.

Try to move to the other side and imagine how they felt in the conflict. Why is the issue important to them? Where do they feel threatened? How did they react to what you said and did?

Listening is important in rebuilding the bond in a relationship. Telling your side of the story will not rebuild the connection.

Listening shows respect and demonstrates caring. It also offers an opportunity to understand where the conflict developed and to clear up misunderstandings. Listen for their perspective. Maintain the goal of understanding how the other person feels.

Feelings are not always rational, but they are real, and they often dictate responses. As you listen, don’t defend yourself. If you’re in their shoes—thinking and feeling as they do—you won’t defend yourself in the interchange.

If they misunderstood something you said or did, before gently showing your side, preface your remarks with, “I understand how you heard/felt like you did, but can I explain what I intended?” ( Or “why I did … ?”) Then, state the facts without placing blame on the other person. Take total responsibility as you share your side of the story.

4. Show you care.

When someone is hurt, they erect walls to avoid further hurt. Saying, “I care”—through words or touch—tears down protective walls. When the two words I care are sincere, they are powerful.

Touch also builds a bridge of caring. Virtue flows through a hug, a handshake, or a pat on the hand or back. It strengthens the relational connection. While dynamic, touch needs to be appropriate for the relationship and the situation.

How often have you seen frowns turn to giggles as two children are forced to hug after a dispute? Apply the same principle to an appropriate gesture in your situation.

With a spouse or with your child, tempers are less likely to flare if you’re touching during the discussion—even if it is just your feet touching or sides of your hands touching as you sit on the couch.

If the person refused to forgive you earlier, after saying, “I care,” if the walls come down, you might ask “Are we clear?” You can also ask again if they’ll forgive you.

Throughout your attempt to restore peace, keep in mind that the relationship is more important than proving your point or winning your way.

Like charcoal to hot embers

Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife.

Learning to Speak Love

Learning to speak love and appreciation in a language the other person can receive is the key to enhancing all human relationships.