...two things a person should never be angry at...

There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.

I Use to Have a Problem

I Use to Have Problem

“I use to have a problem with anger,” the man said. We meet a lot of people as we promote Uprooting Anger. A few of them actually admit they have a problem with anger. Fewer still declare that they have overcome their anger.

If someone tells me they USE to have a problem, I always ask, “What did you do to get free?”

The first person that told me he’d overcome anger was a former inmate. Frankly, I doubted that he was free from anger’s bondage. At first I thought that he was teasing, but his eyes looked told me otherwise. They looked serious. Then I wondered if he was being realistic in his self-assessment. I’ll never forget his response when I asked how he found freedom.

He said, “I started living with gentle people.” What? That’s too simple. I asked him to repeat it to be sure I understood. He said the same thing again.

I asked him to tell me the rest of the story, to explain how God used gentle people. He said, “When I started living with gentle people, I got over my anger.” End of story. Later, I saw him with his wife and she said the same thing—with no further explanation. He married into her gentle family. Just by living in their midst, he overcame his bondage to anger.

I was reminded of Proverbs 15:11, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I’m very familiar with that verse. I once cross-stitched it and put it on my refrigerator as a reminder. Through that verse I learned that when I responded with anger, the tensions escalated. However, if I countered with gentleness, anger was avoided. Nevertheless, it was a revolutionary thought that someone could overcome anger simply by living among gentle people.

The man didn’t even have an explanation of what he’d done to work on anger in his new environment. He simply knew that while living among gentle people, he was transformed by God.

Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that the Lord can use it as a tool to help those we love turn from anger. If we are gentle because the Spirit of God is active in our hearts, those around will influenced by His power.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but, a gentle lifestyle can be used to transform a life.

Striving for Honor

Much of our tension and strife is over little differences, not major life-changing matters. Even if it’s a little issue, if we feel pushed, we tend to push back. Then, once sides are taken, even friends become opponents—and it’s hard to back down and concede to an opponent. We feel compelled to uphold our position, as if our honor depended on it.

Indeed, in the minds of all who witness the interaction, our reputation is affected—but not for good. Outsiders can more easily see how petty a striving point is. They can see how foolish it was to let tensions build in the first place. Because of our instinctive nature to want to be right, it takes more courage to stop an argument than to finish it. Consequently, the one who ends strife peacefully is the one who gains honor and respect.

According to Proverbs 20:3, “It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel.”

How much more grievous...

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.

Holding On

Two birds battled in our driveway. The beak of one was clamped firmly on the leg of the other, and it wouldn’t let go. The captured bird wrestled frantically to break loose. They jerked, thrashed, and rolled as each fought to gain advantage. It looked like a fight to the death.

I spotted the birds as I was leaving home to run an errand. I watched for almost ten minutes, but I needed to go, and the birds blocked my path. I finally slowly rolled forward. When the front tire of my car was about a foot from them, the assailant finally released its grip, and the two flew away, free.

Personal Application!

The battle reminded me of a time my husband, Robert, and I struggled. We must have looked just like those fighting birds. Conflict threatened to destroy our marriage and we couldn’t seem to work through it. We kept thrashing and tumbling as we sought to gain advantage. At every turn, one—usually both—of us was hurt, and I thought the emotional bumps and bruises would never cease. Meanwhile, our relationship deteriorated.

Struggles in relationships are often lengthened because, like the birds, neither gives in. We hold on, refusing to let go. We don’t realize that as long as we maintain our grip, we are trapped too. We are jerked, tossed, and tumbled, being wounded along with the one we won’t release.

The Key to Peace is in My Hand!

Throughout my struggle with Robert, I never guessed that I held the key to stopping the conflict. Freedom came after I finally realized I was holding onto Robert’s leg through judgment. My judgment of him kept us locked in conflict, destroying the peace and joy we once knew.

Where the Conflict Began

I can see now that the conflict began when I didn’t approve of a decision Robert made and was afraid our family would suffer. My fear led me to be too forceful when we first talked about my concerns. Consequently, nothing changed. Later, even as I tried to be respectful and supportive, I was thinking, “you shouldn’t be doing that,” and “You ought to …” I held him by the leg with my shoulds and oughts and continued to judge his decisions.

However, I was not aware of my judgment. I was blinded by my fear of the consequences we might suffer from his choices.

Robert’s Side of the Story

Meanwhile, it felt to Robert like I didn’t respect him and he couldn’t do anything right. Even when I didn’t say anything, he sensed my underlying judgment. It was hard for him to hear God because he was overwhelmed by fear of my reactions.

A Vicious Circle

As the conflict continued, my greatest concern was Robert’s lack of seeking the Lord. How could we expect God’s blessing if we didn’t seek His direction? What I didn’t realize was that I was in the way. I was standing between my husband and God. He was so afraid of my reaction that he couldn’t find the Lord.

God’s Answer

Jesus’ words are so true, “Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you” (Mat 7:1-2 NASB). As long as I remained judgmental against my husband, I felt judged by him because he didn’t seem to listen to anything I said. The consequences of my judgment were worse than those from his decisions. For months, we scrambled like two birds in the driveway.

Freedom from Strife

I finally saw that I was not trusting God and that I was hindering Robert by my judgment. When I released him from my “shoulds” and “oughts” and trusted God to work out His purposes, Robert and I were both freed. He was free to hear God, and we both found peace with God and with each other. We were able to reestablish the fellowship we had once enjoyed.

The same principle holds true with other people in our lives. If we dwell on how they should and ought to be doing something, it leads to tension and conflict. If we trust God to work in their lives, we avoid struggles that bind us and lead to hurt. Instead of holding on, we need to release people and circumstances into God’s hands. After all, He is the judge. When we act as judge, we are acting as god.

“Therefore you are without excuse every man of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself, for you who judge practice the same things” (Rom. 2:1 NASB).

Quotes from James Dobson

Disciplinary action influences behavior; anger does not.

When it comes to boys and girls, in fact, I am convinced that adult anger incites a malignant kind of disrespect in their minds.

Anger often becomes a tool used for the purpose of influencing behavior. It is ineffective and can be damaging to the relationship between generations.

The Slow to Anger Pacify Contention

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention.

...grasping a hot coal...

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at somebody else; you are the one that gets burned.