Don't worry about tomorrow

Don’t worry about tomorrow, God is already there.

He Is With Me

The Lord is so good to encourage us when we need it.

My schedule is full and my flesh is struggling to keep up. I’ve had to fight to keep my eyes on my Savior, my hope in the Lord, and my energies focused on the work that He prepared for me. In the midst of the battle, I received the following email.

“I have finished your Uprooting Anger study and I would like to order 3 extra ones to give away to some loved ones… . I have grown so much spiritually from this study. My teenage son is a little over half-way done and I have seen so much growth in him. Thank you for listening to the Lord and writing this study.” –K.O.

I met this person a year ago and remember her mentioning that she wanted something for her son to work on. She lives nearby. We met at a parking lot. She got out of her car, gave me a warm hug, and said, “Thank you for writing this book.” She then asked me to sign her copy. Her book had tabs attached so she could quickly find the pages she wanted to refer back to. She bought 4 books.

We parted, but her hug and words have stayed with me. I am grateful for a God that reaches me through His children to give me encouragement when I need it—as well as direction, and confirmation of the work that He prepared for me to walk in.

It doesn’t matter what our struggle is—whether health, anger, finances, relationships, jobs, or whatever—we are never alone. He is with us. And His strength and courage will be known in our weakness, if we will receive it.

Listening well is as powerful

Listening well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.

How to Communicate Caring and Love

It’s said that the strength of a relationship is determined by the quality of the communication in that association. People go on to explain that it’s important for both—or all—of the people in the relationship to be willing to share their opinions or feelings, and important that each be given the opportunity to share.

However, there is a second aspect of communication that is often overlooked. In order to have a strong relationship, to heal damaged ones, or to prevent conflict, this aspect is even more important than everybody voicing their opinions or feelings.

The forgotten component of communication is listening. God tells us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (Jas. 1:19). We emphasize having a willingness to speak, but God puts the emphasis on hearing. Indeed, the Word links being quick to speak with anger.

He tells us to be quick to hear. While it may be important for everyone to be willing to speak, I wonder if we need to reconsider our emphasis on the importance of talking, and learn instead to listen.

When in conversation—particularly in times of tension—we tend to shut out what the other person is saying because we’re busy building our own defense or looking for an opportunity to tell our tale. In other words, we focus on ourselves and what we need and want in the interchange. Consequently, as we hear the other person’s words, we are formulating our reply.

Listening is more than giving the other person time to finish their paragraph. It is also different than being able to repeat the words the other people say.

When you truly listen, you hear deeper than the spoken words. You give full attention to the other person. Note, I said to the person—not just his words. Not just the facts. As you listen, give attention to his mannerisms, and what is behind them. Listen for the emotions behind the words and for what the heart is saying.

If the emotions you observe shock you in their intensity, listen harder to try to hear what stirred up such intensity. When you truly listen to the other person, you try to get in his or her shoes and see from his or her perspective.

There is not full communication when one person won’t talk. However, when nobody listens, there is no real communication at all.

We know too well what it feels like when nobody listens to us—but do we know how to be a listener that truly hears the person? When I know I’m heard, I no longer need to push my point or defend myself. In fact, if I know I’m heard, I feel cared for and loved.

I want to be someone that helps others feel the same. Rather than thinking of the right words to say, the best way to communicate “I care” may be to listen.

A Lesson from Mom: 4 Keys for Building Friendship

I was blessed with parents who loved me enough to discipline me when I needed it, and who were good role models for how to live and relate to others. They were loved, appreciated, and honored by the world because they were a blessing to others that knew them.

My 98-year-old Mother died this week, and I’ve realized how truly blessed I was to grow up with her as my mother. Many people long for friends and don’t know how to make connections. I was privileged to watch the magic in action through her.

I learned some practical things from Mother about making friends. I hope some day to model them as well and as authentically as she did. In the meantime, I thought I’d pass a few pointers along. If you’re looking for friends, these steps may be helpful.

1. Care

Mother enjoyed meeting new people, and she cared about everybody she met. All new acquaintances seemed to offer an adventure in discovery as she drew strangers out to get to know them. Instead of talking about herself, she sought to learn about the other person. She cared.

If she saw a friend, she asked about them and how their family was doing. She remembered their concerns. When we are concerned about ourselves and what others think about us, it hinders our ability to connect with them.

2. Listen

Everybody has a story. Mother genuinely wanted to know the other person’s story. She wasn’t quick to tell her tale or give answers. Instead, she asked questions to learn more. It seemed she inevitably discovered that she and her new acquaintance knew somebody in common or were from the same town that a co-worker or cousin was from. She remembered those connections and valued the relationship more because of them.

3. Reach out

Mother was especially loved because she reached out to others. When we would visit in earlier years, she’d often say, “I haven’t heard from ______ in several days. I wonder how they are doing.” She’d then make time to call and check on them. She’d talk just long enough to check up on her friend—and for that other person to know that someone cared about him or her.

In later years, when Mother and Daddy moved to a retirement center, she kept active by walking all over the complex to check on people and see how they were doing. Occasionally she’d take a small gift, but most of the time, she only shared a few minutes, a smile, and an encouraging word. But that was all that was needed to win the hearts of the caregivers as well as the one being visited.

4. Serve

Mother was also quick to help others. Serving her family was just the beginning. She helped in church and in her neighborhood. One year she and Daddy received the Volunteer of the Year award from Hospice. However, where her service stood out to me was when I saw her in action at the retirement center.

Mother was attentive to the needs of others. She helped by putting walkers out of the way or helping move a wheelchair into position. She also went early to Sunday School to arrange chairs, set out hymn books, and help gather people from down the hall in their wheel chairs. She served cheerfully, whatever the need. I coined the nickname “Miss Sunshine” after seeing her in action and observing the responses.

Because she expressed love and caring, Mother was loved by everybody that knew her. However, she didn’t do these things to be loved or to gain friends. There were no hidden expectations or strings attached. She did them because she loved others.

There is a saying going around on social media, “If you want to be loved, love and be loving.” That’s true, but it probably won’t work if you have a hidden agenda of trying to get people to love you.

On the other hand, if you genuinely love those around you and you show them love through caring, listening, reaching out, and serving, you can bet you’ll have friends that truly care for you. And they’ll miss you when you’re gone.

Like I’ll miss my mother. Thank you, Mother, for your life-laid-down, for your love, and for your example.

Love your enemies.

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Hanging On

I’ve had a challenging week of pain and debilitating fatigue, but I managed to get a blog started to post today. They’re worthy thoughts for building relationships, but it’s not where I am right now. As pain kept me from going back to sleep this morning, I realized what I’ve written isn’t right.

I’m more in the survival mode, not the building mode. Yes, I still want to help people build strong, healthy relationships. I’m still burdened by anger that’s tearing up families, churches, and communities. I’m not ready to lay down what God’s called me to. But what I’ve begun is not the word for today. I’m hanging on, taking one day at a time. Relationships aren’t my concern.

But they are. In the midst of my fatigue and pain, my biggest struggle has been my relationship with God. It’s been very difficult not to focus on my physical discomforts and to view life through them.

Jesus is the great Physician. My hope is in Him. God has a plan for me that He’s prepared beforehand. I can trust Him for today—and tomorrow. I know all those things, and want to see the world through that truth, but pain and overwhelming fatigue have claimed my attention and clouded my view.

As I lay in bed this morning trying to ignore pain and go back to sleep, it hit me—that’s exactly how it is with relational pain. It clouds our view. It makes it more difficult to remember the truth, more difficult to remember that God is with us. He’s the great healer, and our hope is in Him.

Instead of my well-thought-out musings, I’d like to share the simple, but powerful words the Lord gave me this week. These verses are basic, because they deal with the foundational relationship of life. If we can hold this truth central in our hearts and minds, and build our lives around it, we’ll be equipped and strengthened for pain—physical or relational—when it comes

“You are my servant. I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Is. 41:9b–10).

Surely.

It’s God’s word, and I’m clinging to it.

Thank you, Lord.

Not the fastest horse

Not the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger.

I Need a Savior

I need a savior as much as the day I was saved from my sins. A savior from my tongue. A savior from my thoughts. A savior from my emotions… .

I would add: A savior from my anger, my bitterness, and self-centeredness. I need a savior.

I Like Being Angry!

Once a Christian leader told me he liked being angry. When I questioned if he really meant it, he repeated, “Yes, I like being angry.” He then added, “It makes things happen.”

Like anger? Because it makes things happen? Oh, it makes things happen all right, but none of it is good. The results of anger are bad. It brings hurt and destruction. I’ve seen a wife curl up in a fetal position when her husband started ranting and raving. I’ve known rebellious teens turn away from God because of their parents’ anger. The news is full of cruelty and murder that comes from it. How could anyone like anger?

Like being angry? I was horrified at the thought. He spoke those words on the spur of the moment. I’m not sure he would stand by the comment, but I kept thinking about it nonetheless.

In Colossians 3:8, God tells us, “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.” With God’s Word so clear, how can a Christian like anger?

The Lord’s intent is confirmed in Ephesians 4:31, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” The Word of God couldn’t say it more clearly. The Lord wants us to get rid of our anger.

However, as I contemplated the concept of liking to be angry, I realized that maybe it is not uncommon to like anger. It’s just not normal to admit it. In fact, I became aware that there have been times when I liked being angry.

Why? Because I felt like it would make things happen.

The times I remember were times when I was hurt by somebody close to me—somebody I expected to care for and protect me, not to harm me. When the injury was unexpected and deep, I wanted the offender to hurt too. I didn’t want to forgive until he/she apologized—or until he/she suffered too.

I always worked through it. I always came to a place of forgiving. However, there were times, especially with my husband—the one closest to me—that I hurt back before I forgave. Later, I always regretted the harm I caused. However, I confess that didn’t necessarily prevent it from happening again at a later date.

Why? Because in the moment I liked being angry! I thought it could make things happen, that I could get my way, or that it would even the score.

Recently I ran across an explanation of why we like anger: “Anger is the weak person’s imitation of strength.” I like anger when I feel wounded and weak. I like it because it makes me feel strong.

However, that strength is imitation. It’s fake, a counterfeit. It doesn’t deliver what I really want, and I always regret what happens through that artificial strength.

When we are wronged and feel weak, we don’t have to make things happen. Paul said, “Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:10).

It is only as we are weak, and thus trust in God, that He shows Himself strong through us. He rarely intervenes when we try to defend ourselves instead of trusting Him. On the other hand, He will fight for us if we stay weak and yield to Him. We won’t need imitation strength if we learn to appreciate our weakness.

I’m guilty. There have been times that I’ve liked being angry. However, every time I’ve drawn on counterfeit strength, it has led to regrets.

I want to be genuine and to experience God’s righteousness in relationships. I don’t want imitation. Teach me, Lord, to be glad in my weakness, and to seek Your strength when I’m wronged.

(I’ve been sick this past week and am still not feeling well, so am posting a devotion I wrote for CBN.com in the past. I hope it blesses.)

Forgive all who have offended

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.

3 Myths about Anger

3 Myths about Anger that are Common among Christians

1. All anger is bad.

Most of us have been trained that anger is bad. However, all anger is not bad. In the Bible, roughly half the times anger is mentioned, it is in reference to God being angry. If we say that all anger is bad, we are saying that it is bad for God to get angry—or even that He sins by being angry.

That is clearly not the case. God is without sin. His anger is just and true and flows from a heart of love.

We are made in His image (Gen. 1:26), therefore we are made with emotions. One of those is anger. It is normal and natural for us to get angry.

2. Anger can be good if used properly.

If God’s anger is good, we are made in His image, and it is natural for us to experience anger, it follows that our anger can also be good.

However that leaves out an important fact. We have fallen since we were formed in His image. Our hearts are no longer pure. Because the issues of life, including our emotions, flow from the heart, our anger is not pure. It is polluted.

While anger is not bad, it’s contaminated in our hearts and it is harmful to us and to relationships with God and with others.

Consequently, God specifically tells us to put all anger aside, to get rid of it. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice (Eph. 4:31). “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth (Eph 4:31).

Because man is self-centered and sinful, “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (Jas. 1:20). Instead of expressing it and justifying ourselves, we need to put it aside. All of it.

When we are angered, we can sometimes use the burden and energy from anger to do good, but if we want righteous results, we first need to deal with the anger and get rid of it.

Christians have harmed the Gospel of Jesus Christ many times as they seek to do good from an angry heart. When that happens, what the unsaved experience is anger and judgment. It does not produce the fruit we hope for.

3. God told us to be angry.

In Ephesians 4:26-27, we are told “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” Many people use this as permission to be angry, especially if they feel justified in their cause. After all, the Bible tells us to be angry, right?

Let’s look a little closer. In Greek “be angry” is a passive verb. That means it is an action done to the subject, not one which the subject does. In other words, rather than “be angry,” or “when you are angry,” it could be properly translated, “When someone angers you” or “When you are angered” do not sin.

This verse recognizes that anger is a natural response for mankind. We will have things done to us that make us angry.

However, when that happens—when we are angered—we are to deal with it quickly, i.e. before the sun sets. Anger that hangs around is destructive. It gives the devil opportunity to further complicate things—by stirring up negative responses in our hearts and in relationships.

The Lord knows our makeup. He knows we will be angered. He also understands our tendency to nurse our offenses until they become major issues. He is also a relational God. He wants us to be at peace and in unity with those around us. Therefore in His love and wisdom, He gave us instructions to deal with anger quickly when we are angered.

Anger makes us miserable and damages our relationships with others and with God. However, we can avoid its destruction if we obey God and deal with it quickly. To learn to identify the roots of anger and get rid of it, check out Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within.

If you kick a stone

If you kick a stone in anger, you’ll hurt your own foot.

One Key to Anger Management

When tensions rise in a relationship, the tendency for most of us is to try to make the other side understand. We think if they know what we meant by what we said or why we did what we did, and they understand where we’re coming from, the tension will dissolve. Everything will then be fine and we can continue with life.

However, instead of fading away, tensions escalate, exploding in our faces. We respond in self defense, and find ourselves in a full blown war. What happened?

The answer is simple. In Proverbs, we learn that “he who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him” (18:13). It’s folly and shame because as he applies answers to heal the rift, what it actually does is pour fuel on the fire.

However, this verse holds an important principle for all relationships: don’t give an answer before you hear.

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning” (Prov. 1:5). If we listen to what the other party has to say and understand where he’s coming from, it shows value to the person as well increasing our knowledge of the situation.

If we cry out to the Lord, and listen to Him as we listen to the other person, we will gain true wisdom as to how to proceed. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10). As we seek Him, He will guide us. “From His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright” (Prov. 2:2-7). Knowledge from God lays a foundation. He then gives understanding to show us how to apply it, thus giving us wisdom for the moment.

Our knowledge rarely settles an issue. As Jim Hendrix said, “knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” It doesn’t matter how much we already know, if we want to diffuse anger before it escalates, we need to put on a listening ear, not tell the involved parties anything—not what you meant, not what they need to do differently.

The secret to settle conflict quickly is hearing—hearing God, and hearing the other person.

The practice of forgiveness

The practice of forgiveness is the most important contribution to the healing of the world.

Life is too short

Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long.

If you are presenting your offering

If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

A Key to Contentment When You Can’t Have Your Way

In 2001, we moved in with my in-laws for a short time. I was no longer mistress of the kitchen. Instead, I served another, trying to lighten her load as she prepared meals for me. It sounds like a dream vacation, but I found myself increasingly frustrated with the choices of foods and with how they were prepared. In order to honor another, I was forced to die to my desires.

But I had one problem. They didn’t die easily.

I kept telling myself “This is temporary, I’ll have my own kitchen soon,” but every time I sat down to a meal that was not of my choosing, the irritation reappeared. For awhile, it helped to remind myself that a meal is soon over, and what I eat today won’t matter tomorrow—much less next week. However, as dissatisfaction returned day after day, my reaction also increased.

While trying to act gracious, I became increasingly upset—even angry—over not having control over what we ate. I realized I didn’t have a right to always get my way, but that only served to highlight my self-centered nature and make me feel guilty.

What finally changed my outlook was the realization that my situation was a gift. It was an opportunity to choose eternal blessings over fleeting, temporal ones. A gift from God to form me into His image.

Truly, what you eat at a meal is fleeting. Many meals last only 20 or 30 minutes. In addition, if you have enough to eat, an hour later—unless you have an allergy or are sensitive to particular foods—it really doesn’t matter what you ate.

In contrast, learning to be content and to be grateful has eternal significance.

Embracing the Lord’s agenda to make me more godly helped me learn to be grateful for the food and for the one who planned and prepared it. Sometimes it took a daily decision to be thankful, but the act of making a choice turned my eyes and mind to the Lord.

I needed His help to die to self and self’s desires. In time, He took away my anger and made me content with what I had.

I have my own kitchen now, so what’s on my plate is no longer an issue. However, I’ve found that the lesson was generalized. I’m more content and grateful in other areas as well.

In James 1:2-4 we’re told to rejoice in various trials. I admit that not getting what I want to eat is very minor as trials go, but it was big enough that it was making me angry. It was a test of my faith and I failed as long as I looked at my plate instead of at my God.

However, when I chose to cooperate with the Lord and cried out to Him, He did something I wasn’t able to do. He transformed my heart.

Occasionally I’m still faced with situations where I’m tempted to be upset because I’m not getting my way. However, now my irritation is like a red flag to get my attention so I’ll stop and take note. Most of the time, the thing that irritates me is a temporal issue, one that won’t matter tomorrow, much less in eternity.

I’m grateful God does not give up, but continues to put problems in my path. Without those trials, how could my endurance increase until it has its perfect result? After all, some day I’d like to be “perfect, complete, and lacking in nothing” (Jas.1:2-4).

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:2-4 NAS).

Learn about more roots of anger and how to overcome them in Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within.

Apologizing

Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It means you value your relationships more than your ego.

4 Steps to Mend Broken Relationships--Part 2

4 Steps to Mend Broken Relationships

Life is brighter and more fun when harmony reigns in relationships. However, sometimes misunderstandings or disagreements escalate to conflict and discord. Before you know it, a close friendship can be shattered.

The Bible tells us to be peacemakers, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to restore peace. However, there are positive steps you can take to advance reconciliation.

If you didn’t lose your cool and do—or say—something that hurt the other person, the relationship can sometimes be restored if you go to him or her with a spirit of friendship or a token gift of reconciliation.

However, if there’s history of conflict or if the other person was offended in the interchange, you’ll need to go deeper than glossing over what happened. In order to mend the breach, first submit the relationship and the process of reconciliation to God. Then follow four steps to mend the damage and restore peace and goodwill.

1. Find inner peace.

Before jumping in to fix things, ask the Lord to search your heart and reveal any unrighteousness in you. Be transparent before God and honest with yourself.

What did you do that could be misunderstood or be hurtful in any way? What attitudes did you have that were self-serving rather than loving? In order to mend broken relationships you need to first find peace with yourself. In Part 1, you can learn 4 Steps to Inner Peace after an Angry Outburst.

2. Admit you were wrong and ask forgiveness.

Go to the offended person and admit where you were wrong. Don’t explain or defend yourself. If you justify your actions or blame the other person, it will raise questions as to whether or not you’re sincere. It will also produce hard feelings rather than bring healing.

Simply state what you did wrong and ask forgiveness—even if only 10% of the problem is yours.

Confessing your shortcoming is a sign that you value the other person and the relationship. Asking forgiveness gives them an opportunity to respond and clears the air.

For example, say, “I’m sorry I was insensitive,” or “I’m sorry I yelled. I don’t want to act like that toward you.” Then follow with, “Will your forgive me?”

If the other person won’t forgive you, it means they’re still hurting inside. If they refuse, ask if there was something else that offended them. Be prepared to hear what they say without defending yourself and getting angry all over again. This leads to the next point.

3. Listen.

Try to move to the other side and imagine how they felt in the conflict. Why is the issue important to them? Where do they feel threatened? How did they react to what you said and did?

Listening is important in rebuilding the bond in a relationship. Telling your side of the story will not rebuild the connection.

Listening shows respect and demonstrates caring. It also offers an opportunity to understand where the conflict developed and to clear up misunderstandings. Listen for their perspective. Maintain the goal of understanding how the other person feels.

Feelings are not always rational, but they are real, and they often dictate responses. As you listen, don’t defend yourself. If you’re in their shoes—thinking and feeling as they do—you won’t defend yourself in the interchange.

If they misunderstood something you said or did, before gently showing your side, preface your remarks with, “I understand how you heard/felt like you did, but can I explain what I intended?” ( Or “why I did … ?”) Then, state the facts without placing blame on the other person. Take total responsibility as you share your side of the story.

4. Show you care.

When someone is hurt, they erect walls to avoid further hurt. Saying, “I care”—through words or touch—tears down protective walls. When the two words I care are sincere, they are powerful.

Touch also builds a bridge of caring. Virtue flows through a hug, a handshake, or a pat on the hand or back. It strengthens the relational connection. While dynamic, touch needs to be appropriate for the relationship and the situation.

How often have you seen frowns turn to giggles as two children are forced to hug after a dispute? Apply the same principle to an appropriate gesture in your situation.

With a spouse or with your child, tempers are less likely to flare if you’re touching during the discussion—even if it is just your feet touching or sides of your hands touching as you sit on the couch.

If the person refused to forgive you earlier, after saying, “I care,” if the walls come down, you might ask “Are we clear?” You can also ask again if they’ll forgive you.

Throughout your attempt to restore peace, keep in mind that the relationship is more important than proving your point or winning your way.

Like charcoal to hot embers

Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife.

Learning to Speak Love

Learning to speak love and appreciation in a language the other person can receive is the key to enhancing all human relationships.

4 Steps to Inner Peace after an Angry Outburst – Part 1

You’ve done it again. Something hit you the wrong way and you blew your top. You said things you wish you could take back. Your emotions flip between hurt, anger, guilt, and regret until they all tangle together. Storm clouds linger. Is there hope for peaceful coexistence?

Yes, there is hope. It starts with finding inner peace yourself. Once you find peace, it’s much easier to reestablish the relationship with the other person. With four simple steps, peace can be yours.

1. Realize it isn’t always important to win a disagreement.

Whether the conflict is with a spouse, a neighbor, or boss, a week from now, how important will it be to have gotten your way in the issue? What about in a year? Ten years? In most instances, it won’t matter tomorrow, much less in ten years. Most of the time, the relationship is more important than the issue at hand.

A healthy relationship with a family member is important. While the boss may not seem valued as a friend, it’s nice to have a paycheck. Likewise, you can live without being best friends with a neighbor, but life is more pleasant when those close to you are friends—and it could be life-saving in a time of need. Most of the time, the relationship is more important.

Anger over trivial matters can destroy relationships that are ultimately important.

2. Identify the thing within you that caused you to react in anger.

Were you afraid? Hurt? Did you feel you were losing control? Not respected? Jealous? Guilty? Selfish? Trapped?

Many times, we overreact emotionally to a present situation because of a previous trauma. For instance, someone’s innocent words today can make me feel put down or disrespected because a bully taunted me in the third grade.

Recognizing emotional baggage helps diffuse it. Once you identify the emotion, you’ll often realize that you over-reacted in the current event. Even if the present circumstance is a valid personal attack, understanding yourself helps you move from being an overcharged emotional bundle to being able to reason more clearly.

3. Take personal responsibility.

Everybody has faults. However, when we’re angered, we focus on the other person’s faults, not our own. Recognizing your own fault in a conflict will move you toward peace.

Be honest with yourself. What did you do that could have triggered the other person? Did you have unspoken expectations? Did you listen to the other person and treat him/her with respect? Were you sensitive to his/her needs, or did you think only of yourself? Did you say or do things that were hurtful or controlling? Maybe you tried to control him/her. Admit to yourself if you contributed to the conflict.

Accepting personal responsibility will free you to understand the issues more clearly, freeing you to move on, and prepare you to be a peacemaker.

4. Forgive the other person for their offense.

In forgiving, you are saying that you will not hold their offense against them and make them suffer for what they’ve done. Forgiveness does not indicate that they are right in what they did or said. Neither does it release them from consequences that might follow. As you forgive, you are laying down the right to get even or make them hurt. You release them to God for Him to determine the proper retribution and the timing for it.

Choosing not to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick or die. It leads to bitterness, which simmers, leading to future anger and conflict.

When you forgive, you get rid of the poison. It releases you to move on. The only way to find true peace is to forgive.

Watch for Part 2: 4 Steps to Mend Broken Relationships

Fair peace becomes men

Fair peace becomes men; ferocious anger belongs to beasts.

Hatred Eats the Soul

Hatred eats the soul of the hater, not the hated.

Like a city that is broken into

Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.

One Simple Step to a Lasting, Happy Relationship

If the books and articles written on how to have a long, happy marriage were gathered in one place, they could fill a library. However, if the wisdom in all those words were brought down to the simplest component, it could be summed up in a word.

But there are two problems with that word. First, we don’t understand what it means. Second, it is too expensive for most of us. We aren’t willing to pay the price.

That one word is love. We use it every day and we think we know what it means, but our understanding is drawn from our culture. True love isn’t hearts, valentines, chocolates, teddy bears, and flowers—or even diamond rings.

Neither is it the flutter of your heart when someone special comes in the room. Nor is true love the feeling of joy and fulfillment that comes when you’ve found the person of your dreams. All those things are nice, and they may be expressions of love, but they don’t define what it is.

True love is costly. When you have true love, you place the needs and desires of the other person above your own. Love lays its life down for the other person—and that doesn’t mean just in times of great danger. On a daily basis, true love is concerned about the other person, not with self.

True love:

• Is patient and kind—even when the object of its love is slow, disagreeable, or unkind.
• Is humble, seeking to build up others rather than bragging about its own deeds.
• Doesn’t insist on its own way.
• Doesn’t think bad of others.
• Is always courteous.
• Is not irritable, resentful, or self-centered.
• Does not keep track of wrongs suffered.
• Doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth.
• Is supportive in every situation.
• Believes and hopes for the best.
• Endures all things.
• Never fails. Like the Everready Bunny it keeps on keeping on, choosing others over self.

The love pictured in today’s culture is selfish, seeking self-fulfillment. True love is expensive because it asks us to die to self and put someone else first, seeking fulfillment for the other person. But the rewards are worth the sacrifice.

You want a Happy Relationship that will last into your elder years? The more you’re able to love someone with this type of love, the more love you will receive in return—leading to self-fulfillment and a long, happy relationship with the object of your love.

Expressing anger is a form

Expressing anger is a form of public littering.

A stone is heavy

A stone is heavy and the sand weighty, but the provocation of a fool is heavier than both of them.

You Decide

This morning I received a forwarded email with the following anecdote:

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on his window. ‘I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.”

‘That doesn’t have anything to do with it,’ he replied. “It is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged but how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.”

Mr. Jones is right. And it works with people just as with rooms and body aches. If we decide in the morning to be grateful for the people that God puts in our lives—no matter how much we approve of some things they do—we will find it much easier to live with them in peace and joy. We don’t have to let others determine the quality of our day or the tone of our disposition.

Resentment is like taking poison

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Let all be harmonious

Let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead.

Find Life!

I’m excited. Actually, I’m doubly excited. We’re making preparations for having an on-line course to help people find freedom from anger. I’m excited about having one more tool for encouraging people to victory over anger.

In preparation for the course, I am working through Uprooting Anger myself—and I’m loving it. A prison chaplain once said that men who were doing the study were growing and changing. He said, “It’s life to them.” Later, an individual doing the study said, “It’s life to me.”

I experienced joy, excitement, conviction—yes, and life—as I originally did the study, but that was ten years ago. It then became discipline and work to edit and prepare Uprooting Anger for publication. This is the first time I’ve done the study as if I’d never seen it. As a result, I’m excited—because it’s life to me too! Every day as I work on a short lesson, I’m overwhelmed by the Lord and His goodness.

God said His Word doesn’t return void. I’m finding that to be true even as I review passages and concepts that are familiar to me.

Are you looking for life? I highly recommend God’s Word. You sometimes have trouble seeing how it applies to your personal life? Give Uprooting Anger a try. Maybe it will bless you like it’s blessing me.

It Takes a Pot

Quarreling is common among children. Years ago, when quarrels turned to name calling—or tattling—it was common to hear the retort, “It takes a pot to call a kettle black.” It brought to mind pictures of early America houses with black cast iron pots and kettles hanging in the fireplace.

The pots and pans—uh, kettles—in our house weren’t black, but I got the picture. I knew it meant the same thing as “It takes one to know one.” I also understood not to call someone a liar, because that phrase might be used to insinuate that I was a liar too. Some things are better left unsaid—even if they are true.

I’ve come to see there seems to be some truth to that saying. Have you ever noticed that when politicians are hurdling insults at their opponents, the same charges are usually fitting for the accuser? It always brings to mind pots calling kettles black.

I’ve seen the same between couples. For an example, she gets upset because he’s not sensitive to her needs and only thinks about himself. However, she’s so focused on her own needs and his failure to meet them, that she’s blind and deaf to what he says. She doesn’t realize she’s doing exactly what she’s accusing him of. Naturally, he shuts down because she’s only thinking of herself. The circle gets so vicious you can’t tell which is the pot and which the kettle.

If you don’t like to be part of such vicious cycles, it’s simple enough to stop it. Just remember that it takes a pot to call a kettle black, or it takes one to know one. If the kettle you have to deal with is looking black to you, take a minute to look in the mirror and see what you find. Be real sure a black pot isn’t staring back at you. I can just about guarantee that if you’ll polish up the pot until it shines, the kettle won’t look quite so black any more. Polishing the pot before calling the kettle black avoids a lot conflict.

Forgiveness is the sweetest

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.

Like weeds in a garden

Like weeds in a garden, anger left untended is sure to grow.

There is Power in Words

Is there a particular person that tends to get under your skin or that most frequently makes you mad? It’s likely your spouse, but could also be another family member or a co-worker.

Would you like a simple step to help the situation? It can help you not react as quickly and might even help the other person not be so irritating. Are you interested?

It’s simple. Speak well of the other person in public. Don’t say anything negative against him or her. Instead, make a habit of saying positive things as you talk about the person. (I know it might be hard, but if you try, you can find something.) Affirm him to his face and when talking about him to others, especially if he can hear—but be sincere.

Two things will happen if you regularly affirm the person publicly with genuine remarks.

First, your opinion will be influenced by your words, and you will begin to think better of the person. Consequently, you won’t be as easily irritated.

Second, the person will be influenced by your words. As you praise an attribute, you will get more of it. He or she will begin to live up to your praise.

It’s a new year, the time of resolutions. What could it hurt to give it a try for a few months? Give it time and watch what happens. Remember, you need to hold in the negative. If you slip and say something negative, before the day is over, make two positive comments to make up for it—or before the conversation is over if it will fit.

If you can’t think of something positive to say, ask God to help you. He loves that person in spite of their flaws.

I’d like to hear what happens. Share your story with me..